growing up.

i would give alot to give up my addictions.
smoking cigarettes is one.
number one, ill say.

i could live without the marijuana.
i could live without the hangovers.

however, do i want to give it up completely?
are the "good" people that i want in my life going to be accepting of me having a drink or two?
a toke every now and then?


i AM that good person on the inside.
but ive got demons just like everyone else.
but id rather have the good people in my life as opposed to the ones who also have their addictions and downfalls.

but in my head, those addictions and downfalls are what make people SO interesting to me.
i dont understand my logic, thats why i usually boycott it.



but i kissed a boy today in a waterbed and it was almost innocent how it happened.
and im so tired of making mistakes.
im so tired of falling for the wrong people.
what happens when i fall for the right people?
what happens when i give up the dark side of myself?
am i still myself?
will i ruin everything because i let these dark things overcome me at some points?


hell, ive been low.
and ive come back from that.
but i dont want to hide the bad things i do.
i dont want to be shady.
i dont want to be a facade.

i want to be completely honest.
i want people to know that yes, sometimes i get a little bit too drunk.
sometimes, i go on marijuana-smoking binges, then a few weeks later, i wont touch the stuff.
if i need to get through a long day, ill pop half an amphetamine to keep me awake and get all my shit done.

HOWEVER, i am nowhere near the person i once was.
i do not have a problem, its a social thing.
or i need to clear my head thing.
its not a daily issue, and ive accepted that i do not NEED these things to have a good time.

i honestly prefer the sober nights.
i honestly prefer the sober feelings.
sometimes the sober thoughts get to me, but i try to deal.
my life is overwhelming sometimes.
so what do i do when i want someone in my life that doesnt understand that need to get out of my own brain for a night?



blablablabla.
confessions of a crazy girl.
plz tell me if this doesnt make sense, thx.